Monty Viper and the Holy Bicket
by Miranda Shadowind
Summary: My original Holy Grail parody, involving the members of the SWAT Kats AOL RPG.
1. Prelude to Mayhem

Author's Notes: Here're a few RPG terms so you don't get confused:  
  
Bicket: A small bucket.  
Mun: The real life person controlling the character(s).  
Hod(dess): A really old typo joke that stuck. What was trying to be said is obvious.   
  
[Downtown MKC, 1999]  
  
[Whoosh]  
  
RANDOM RPGERS: [look up] what the? Who the hell?! Wha?!  
  
[Enter above a 5'1 brunette human with glasses and street clothes]  
  
BLADEA: Oh Hod no...not her!  
  
MIRANDA: That's right! I am Miranda, Hodess of Annoying Parodies!  
  
JAKE: What're ya gonna make us do, dress in drag and do the mambo?!  
  
MIRANDA: Don't tempt me! Actually I have something much more entertaining in mind! You will all participate in a live movie parody while me and my fellow muns sit back, watch, and laugh our heads off! BWAHAHAHHAAHAH!  
  
RANDOM: No! Not that! Anything but that!  
  
JAX: You and what army?!  
  
MIRANDA: Me, my computer with internet access, and my magic wand that goes...PRANG! That's what!  
  
BLADEA: Ha! I've got more magic in my right claw than you've got in that stupid wand, so NI!  
  
[PRANG!]   
  
BLADEA: GAH! I'm cross-dressing against my will! NI!  
  
RICK: You've done it before?!  
  
BLADEA: AAgh!  
  
RICK: What? What'd I say?  
  
[PRANG!]   
  
ANNIE: As the protector of this planet, I must kill you!  
  
MIRANDA: [laughs] I think not!  
  
[PRANG!]   
  
ANNIE: Get this nose and wart offa meeee!  
  
MIRANDA: NO! Anymore questions?  
  
VIPER: I want my ssswamp!  
  
[PRANG!]   
  
MIRANDA: I didn't think so.  
  
[Several PRANGS!]  
  
RPGERS: [now look like characters out of Monty Python and the Holy Grail]  
  
RIKKI: Heeeeeey! I'm German not French!  
  
[PRANG!]   
  
MIRANDA: Happy now?  
  
RIKKI: Very.  
  
MIRANDA: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, to name this...  
  
[Rickmun and Rikkimun appear]  
  
RICKMUN: Monty Viper and the Holy Pail!  
  
RIKKIMUN: No! The Holy Bicket!  
  
MIRANDA: Allllriiighty then! Monty Viper and the Holy Bicket it is!  
  
CHANCE: What about me and Brimstone?  
  
BRIMSTONE: Yeah?!  
  
MIRANDA: Oh yeah...(to Chance and Brimstone, respectively)  
  
[PRANG!]   
  
You're the narrator aaaand...  
  
[PRANG!]   
  
You're the animator!   
  
[All other muns appear]  
  
OTHER MUNS: Get it over with already!  
  
MIRANDA: All right! All right! Yeesh...  
  
[BIGFREAKIN'PRANG!] 


	2. Scenes 1-3

Scene 1  
  
[wind] [clop clop]   
  
RAZOR: Whoa there!   
  
[clop clop]   
  
SHIRO: Halt! Who goes there?   
  
RAZOR: It is I, Christopher Razor, son of Other Razor, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!   
  
SHIRO: Pull the other one!   
  
RAZOR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.   
  
SHIRO: What, ridden on a horse?   
  
RAZOR: Yes!   
  
SHIRO: You're using coconuts!   
  
RAZOR: What?   
  
SHIRO: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.   
  
RAZOR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--   
  
SHIRO: Where'd you get the coconut?   
  
RAZOR: We found them.   
  
SHIRO: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!   
  
RAZOR: What do you mean?   
  
SHIRO: Well, this is a temperate zone.   
  
RAZOR: The toucan may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.   
  
SHIRO: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?   
  
RAZOR: Not at all, they could be carried.   
  
SHIRO: What -- a toucan carrying a coconut?   
  
RAZOR: It could grip it by the husk!   
  
SHIRO: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.   
  
RAZOR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Christopher from the Court of Camelot is here.   
  
SHIRO: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a toucan needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?   
  
RAZOR: Please!   
  
SHIRO: Am I right?   
  
RAZOR: I'm not interested!   
  
DROZ: It could be carried by an African toucan!   
  
SHIRO: Oh, yeah, an African toucan maybe, but not a European toucan, that's my point.   
  
DROZ: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...   
  
RAZOR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!   
  
SHIRO: But then of course African toucans are not migratory.   
  
DROZ: Oh, yeah...   
  
SHIRO: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... [clop clop]   
  
DROZ: Wait a minute -- supposing two toucans carried it together?   
  
SHIRO: No, they'd have to have it on a line.   
  
DROZ: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!   
  
SHIRO: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?   
  
DROZ: Well, why not?   
  
Scene 2  
  
SARLAKK: Bring out your dead!  
Bring out your dead!  
[clang] Bring out your dead!  
[clang] Bring out your dead!  
[clang] Bring out your dead!  
[clang] Bring out your dead!   
  
KAHUNA: Here's one -- nine pence.   
  
TYPHOON: I'm not dead!   
  
SARLAKK: What?   
  
KAHUNA: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.   
  
TYPHOON: I'm not dead!   
  
SARLAKK: Here -- he says he's not dead!   
  
KAHUNA: Yes, he is.   
  
TYPHOON: I'm not!   
  
SARLAKK: He isn't.   
  
KAHUNA: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.   
  
TYPHOON: I'm getting better!   
  
KAHUNA: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.   
  
SARLAKK: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.   
  
TYPHOON: I don't want to go in the cart!   
  
KAHUNA: Oh, don't be such a baby.   
  
SARLAKK: I can't take him...   
  
TYPHOON: I feel fine!   
  
KAHUNA: Oh, do us a favor...   
  
SARLAKK: I can't.   
  
KAHUNA: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.   
  
SARLAKK: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.   
  
KAHUNA: Well, when is your next round?   
  
SARLAKK: Thursday.   
  
TYPHOON: I think I'll go for a walk.   
  
KAHUNA: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?   
  
TYPHOON: I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop]   
  
KAHUNA: Ah, thanks very much.   
  
SARLAKK: Not at all. See you on Thursday.   
  
KAHUNA: Right. [clop clop]   
  
SARLAKK: Who's that then?   
  
KAHUNA: I don't know.   
  
SARLAKK: Must be a king.   
  
KAHUNA: Why?   
  
SARLAKK: He hasn't got shit all over him.   
  
Scene 3  
  
[clop clop]   
  
RAZOR: Old woman!   
  
TOBY: Kat!   
  
RAZOR: Kat, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?   
  
TOBY: I'm thirty seven.   
  
RAZOR: What?   
  
TOBY: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!   
  
RAZOR: Well, I can't just call you 'Kat'.   
  
TOBY: Well, you could say 'Toby'  
  
RAZOR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Toby'  
  
TOBY: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?   
  
RAZOR: I did say sorry about the 'old woman,' but from the behind you looked--   
  
TOBY: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!   
  
RAZOR: Well, I AM king...   
  
TOBY: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! ....If there's ever going to be any progress--   
  
TARE: Toby, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?   
  
RAZOR: How do you do, good lady. I am Christopher, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?   
  
TARE: King of the who?   
  
RAZOR: The Britons.   
  
TARE: Who are the Britons?   
  
RAZOR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.   
  
TARE: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.   
  
TOBY: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. ..... A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--   
  
TARE: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.   
  
TOBY: That's what it's all about if only people would--   
  
RAZOR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?   
  
TARE: No one lives there.   
  
RAZOR: Then who is your lord?   
  
TARE: We don't have a lord.   
  
RAZOR: What?   
  
TOBY: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.   
  
RAZOR: Yes.   
  
TOBY: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.   
  
RAZOR: Yes, I see.   
  
TOBY: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--   
  
RAZOR: Be quiet!   
  
TOBY: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--   
  
RAZOR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!   
  
TARE: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?   
  
RAZOR: I am your king!   
  
TARE: Well, I didn't vote for you.   
  
RAZOR: You don't vote for kings.   
  
TARE: Well, 'ow did you become king then?   
  
RAZOR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Christopher, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!   
  
TOBY: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.   
  
RAZOR: Be quiet!   
  
TOBY: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!   
  
RAZOR: Shut up!   
  
TOBY: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!   
  
RAZOR: Shut up! Will you shut up!   
  
TOBY: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.   
  
RAZOR: Shut up!   
  
TOBY: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!   
  
RAZOR: Bloody peasant!   
  
TOBY: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh?.... That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you? 


	3. Scenes 4-6

Scene 4  
  
[battle sounds]  
[DARK KAT defeats another knight in a bloody battle as RAZOR watches]   
  
RAZOR:You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.  
[pause]   
I am Christopher, King of the Britons.  
[pause]  
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot.  
[pause]  
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?  
[pause]  
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.   
  
DARK KAT: None shall pass.   
  
RAZOR: What?   
  
DARK KAT: None shall pass.   
  
RAZOR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.   
  
DARK KAT: Then you shall die.   
  
RAZOR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!   
  
DARK KAT: I move for no kat.   
  
RAZOR: So be it!   
  
[hah]   
  
[parry thrust]   
  
[RAZOR chops DARK KAT's left arm off after a short battle]   
  
RAZOR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.   
  
DARK KAT: 'Tis but a scratch.   
  
RAZOR: A scratch? Your arm's off!   
  
DARK KAT: No, it isn't.   
  
RAZOR: Well, what's that then?   
  
DARK KAT: I've had worse.   
  
RAZOR: You liar!   
  
DARK KAT: Come on you pansy!   
  
[hah]  
  
  
[parry thrust]  
  
  
[RAZOR chops DARK KAT's right arm off]  
  
  
RAZOR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-   
  
[DARK KAT kicks RAZOR in the head while he is praying]  
  
  
DARK KAT: Come on then.   
  
RAZOR: What?   
  
DARK KAT: Have at you!   
  
RAZOR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.   
  
DARK KAT: Oh, had enough, eh?   
  
RAZOR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.   
  
DARK KAT: Yes I have.   
  
RAZOR: Look!   
  
DARK KAT: Just a flesh wound.   
  
[Headbutts RAZOR in the chest]   
  
RAZOR: Look, stop that.   
  
DARK KAT: Chicken! Chicken!   
  
RAZOR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [whop]   
  
DARK KAT: Right, I'll do you for that!   
  
RAZOR: You'll what?   
  
DARK KAT: Come 'ere!   
  
RAZOR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?   
  
DARK KAT: I'm invincible!   
  
RAZOR: You're a loony.   
  
DARK KAT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.   
  
[whop]   
  
[RAZOR chops DARK KAT's other leg off]   
  
DARK KAT: All right; we'll call it a draw.   
  
RAZOR: Come, Patsy.   
  
DARK KAT: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.... I'll bite your legs off!   
  
Scene 5  
  
[Monks chanting and hitting themselves over the head, leading to........]   
  
CROWD: A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! We've got a Witch! A Witch!   
  
VILLAGER #1: We have found a Witch, might we burn her?   
  
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!   
  
RICK: How do you know she is a Witch?   
  
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.   
  
RICK: Bring her forward.   
  
ANNIE: I'm not a Witch. I'm not a Witch.   
  
RICK: But you are dressed as one.   
  
ANNIE: They dressed me up like this.   
  
CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.   
  
ANNIE: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.   
  
RICK: Well?   
  
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.   
  
RICK: The nose?   
  
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a Witch!   
  
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!   
  
RICK: Did you dress her up like this?   
  
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.   
  
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.   
  
RICK: What makes you think she is a Witch?   
  
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into an oil-sucking worm thingy.   
  
RICK: An oil-sucking worm thingy?   
  
VILLAGER #3: I got better.   
  
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!   
  
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!   
  
RICK: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a Witch.   
  
CROWD: Are there? What are they?   
  
RICK: Tell me, what do you do with Witches?   
  
VILLAGER #2: Burn!   
  
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!   
  
RICK: And what do you burn apart from Witches?   
  
VILLAGER #1: More Witches!   
  
VILLAGER #2: Wood!   
  
RICK: So, why do Witches burn?   
  
[pause]   
  
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?   
  
RICK: Good!   
  
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...   
  
RICK: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?   
  
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.   
  
RICK: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?   
  
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.   
  
RICK: Does wood sink in water?   
  
VILLAGER #1: No, no.   
  
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!   
  
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!   
  
CROWD: The pond!   
  
RICK: What also floats in water?   
  
VILLAGER #1: Bread!   
  
VILLAGER #2: Apples!   
  
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!   
  
VILLAGER #1: Cider!   
  
VILLAGER #2: Uhhh, gravy!   
  
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!   
  
VILLAGER #2: Mud!   
  
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!   
  
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!   
  
RAZOR: A duck.   
  
CROWD: Oooh.   
  
RICK: Exactly! So, logically...,   
  
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.   
  
RICK: And therefore--?   
  
VILLAGER #1: A Witch!   
  
CROWD: A Witch! A Witch! A Witch!   
  
RICK: We shall use my largest scales!   
  
[yelling]   
  
RICK: Right, remove the supports!   
  
[whop]  
  
  
[creak]   
  
CROWD: A Witch! A Witch!   
  
ANNIE: It's a fair cop.   
  
CROWD: Burn her! Burn her!   
  
[yelling]   
  
RICK: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?   
  
RAZOR: I am Christopher, King of the Britons.   
  
RICK: My liege!   
  
RAZOR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?   
  
RICK: My liege! I would be honored.   
  
RAZOR: What is your name?   
  
RICK: Rick, my leige.   
  
RAZOR: Then I dub you Sir Rick, Knight of the Round Table.   
  
[Narrative Interlude]   
  
CHANCE: The wise Sir Rick was the first to join King Christopher's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Vince the Brave; Sir Jax the Pure; and Sir Speedy the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Vince who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the viscous Palm Tree of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-fanfic. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.   
  
Scene 6  
  
RICK: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be goldfish-shaped.   
  
RAZOR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Rick. Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.   
  
RICK: Oh, certainly, sir.   
  
VINCE: Look, my liege!   
  
RAZOR: Camelot!   
  
JAX: Camelot!   
  
VINCE: Camelot!   
  
PATSY: It's only a model.   
  
RAZOR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to Camelot.  
  
  
[cut to knights singing]  
We're knights of the round table  
We dance when e'er we're able  
We do routines and parlour scenes  
With footwork impecc-Able.  
We dine well here in Camelot  
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot  
[dancing]  
We're knights of the Round Table  
Our shows are for-mid-able  
But many times, we're given thymes  
That are quite unsing-able  
We're opera mad in Camelot  
We sing from the diaphragm a lot  
[tap-dancing]  
Oh we're tough and able  
Quite indefatigable  
Between our quests we sequin vests  
And impersonate Clark Gable  
It's a busy life in Camelot  
I have to push the pram a lot.  
  
RAZOR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is a silly place. Right. 


	4. Scenes 7-9

Scene 7  
  
HOD: Christopher! Christopher, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.   
  
RAZOR: Sorry!!   
  
HOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. What are you doing now!?   
  
RAZOR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.   
  
HOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off!   
  
RAZOR: Yes, Lord.   
  
HOD: Right! Christopher, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.   
  
RAZOR: Good idea, oh Lord!   
  
HOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Christopher, this is the Holy Bicket. Look well, Christopher, for it is your sacred task to seek this Bicket. That is your purpose, Christopher -- the Quest for the Holy Bicket.   
  
RAZOR: A blessing!   
  
VINCE: A blessing from the Lord!   
  
JAX: Hod be praised!   
  
Scene 8  
  
[clop clop]   
  
RAZOR: Halt! Hello! Hello!   
  
RIKKI: 'Ello! Who ist dis?   
  
RAZOR: It is King Christopher, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Who's castle is this?   
  
RIKKI: This is the castle of my master, Hans von Ricctoffen!   
  
RAZOR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Hod with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Bicket.   
  
RIKKI: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... Uh, he's already got one, you see?   
  
RAZOR: What?   
  
JAX: He says they've already got one!   
  
RAZOR: Are you sure he's got one?   
  
RIKKI: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one)   
  
RAZOR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?   
  
RIKKI: Of course not! You are English types-a!   
  
RAZOR: Well, what are you then?   
  
RIKKI: I'm German! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!   
  
JAX: What are you doing in England?   
  
RIKKI: Mind your own business!   
  
RAZOR: If you will not show us the Bicket, we shall take your castle by force!   
  
RIKKI: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Christopher-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets Thppppt!   
  
JAX: What a strange person.   
  
RAZOR: Now look here, my good she-kat!   
  
RIKKI: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!...... I meh in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of dead poptarts!   
  
JAX: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?   
  
RIKKI: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!   
  
RAZOR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.   
  
RIKKI: Lassen die Kuhe!   
  
CALLISTA: Was?   
  
RIKKI: Lassen die Kuhe!   
  
[moo!]   
  
RAZOR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twang] [moooooooooooooooooooooooooo] Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!   
  
ALL: Charge!   
  
[Knights charge]   
  
RIKKI: Ah, this one is for your mother!   
  
[twang]   
  
ALL: Run away!   
  
RIKKI: Thpppt!   
  
[after running away...]   
  
VINCE: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!   
  
RAZOR: No no, no no!   
  
RICK: Sir! I have a plan, sir.   
  
[later]  
[chop saw chop saw]  
[rumble rumble squeak]  
[Wheeling trojan rabbit up to castle gates]   
  
RIKKI & CALLISTA (muttering): Offen die Tur. Was? Ein Geschenk. What? A present. Oh, ein Geschenk. Ja, Ja. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. Over here...  
  
[rumble rumble squeak]   
  
RAZOR: What happens now?   
  
RICK: Well, now, uh, Vince, Jax, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the Germans by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!   
  
RAZOR: Who leaps out?   
  
RICK: Uh, Vince, Jax, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh....   
  
RAZOR: Oh....   
  
RICK: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--   
  
[twang]   
  
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!   
  
[splat]   
  
RIKKI & CALLISTA: Oh, haw haw haw.   
  
Scene 9  
  
Pictures for Schools, take 8.   
  
DIRECTOR: Action!   
  
HISTORIAN: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Christopher. The ferocity of the Germans taunting took him completely by surprise, and Christopher became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Bicket were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Christopher, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Bicket individually. Now, this is what they did--Vince...   
  
[clop clop]   
  
[An unknown knight rides in and kills the narrator]   
  
DR. SINIAN: Greg! 


	5. Scenes 10-12

Scene 10  
  
CHANCE: The Tale of Sir Speedy.... So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Speedy rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrel.   
  
FELINA (singing): Bravely bold Sir Speedy, rode forth from Camelot.   
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Speedy.   
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.   
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Speedy!   
  
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,   
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.   
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,   
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Speedy!   
  
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,   
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,   
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,   
And his pe-... ~  
  
SPEEDY: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.   
  
TOBY: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.   
  
TARE: Oh, Toby, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.  
  
[encounter 3-headed knightess]   
  
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?   
  
FELINA (singing): ~He is brave Sir Speedy, brave Sir Speedy, who--~  
  
SPEEDY: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through.   
  
ALL HEADS: What do you want?   
  
FELINA (singing): ~To fight, and--~  
  
SPEEDY: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through good Madame.   
  
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!   
  
SPEEDY: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.   
  
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?   
  
SPEEDY: I am.   
  
KATALINA: In that case I shall have to kill you.   
  
AJ: Shall I?   
  
NINA: Oh, I don't think so.   
  
AJ: Well, what do I think?   
  
KATALINA: I think kill him.   
  
NINA: Well let's be nice to him.   
  
AJ: Oh shut up.   
  
KATALINA: Perhaps-   
  
AJ: And you.   
  
KATALINA: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!   
  
NINA: Oh, cut your own head off!   
  
AJ: Yes, do us all a favor!   
  
KATALINA: What?   
  
NINA: Yapping on all the time.   
  
AJ: You're lucky, you're not next to her.   
  
KATALINA: What do you mean?   
  
AJ: You snore.   
  
KATALINA: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.   
  
AJ: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.   
  
NINA: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.   
  
KATALINA: All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.   
  
AJ: Yes.   
  
NINA: Oh, but not biscuits.   
  
KATALINA: All right all right not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.   
  
ALL HEADS: Right!   
  
KATALINA: He buggered off.   
  
NINA: So he has, he's scarpered.   
  
FELINA (singing): ~Brave Sir Speedy ran away~  
  
SPEEDY: No!   
  
FELINA (singing): ~Bravely ran away away~  
  
SPEEDY: I didn't!   
  
FELINA (singing): ~When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled ~  
  
SPEEDY: No!   
  
FELINA (singing): ~Yes Brave Sir Speedy turned about~  
  
SPEEDY: I didn't!   
  
FELINA (singing): ~And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet~  
  
SPEEDY: I never did!   
  
FELINA (singing): ~He beat a very brave retreat~  
  
SPEEDY: Oh, lie!   
  
FELINA (singing): ~Bravest of the brave Sir Speedy~  
  
SPEEDY: I never!   
  
Scene 11  
  
[Cartoon monks]  
  
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Jax  
[Thunder, lightning, rain and wind]  
[angels singing and Jax spots the Bicket]  
[pound pound pound]  
  
JAX: Open the door! Open the door!  
[pound pound pound]  
In the name of King Christopher, open the door!  
[squeak thump]  
[JAX falls]   
  
ALL: Hello!   
  
KALLIE: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Shusha.   
  
JAX: The Castle Shusha?   
  
KALLIE: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!   
  
JAX: You are the keepers of the Holy Bicket?   
  
KALLIE: The what?   
  
JAX: The Bicket -- it is here?   
  
KALLIE: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crepper!   
  
MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Kallie!   
  
KALLIE: Prepare a pooltable for our guest.   
  
MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--   
  
KALLIE: Away away varletesses The pooltables here are warm and soft - -- and very, very big.   
  
JAX: Well, look, I-I-uh--   
  
KALLIE: What is your name, handsome knight?   
  
JAX: Sir Jax... the Chaste.   
  
KALLIE: Mine is Kallie... just Kallie. Oh, but come!   
  
JAX: Look, please! In Hod's name, show me the Bicket!   
  
KALLIE: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!   
  
JAX: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--   
  
KALLIE: Sir Jax! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.   
  
JAX: Well, I-I-uh--   
  
KALLIE: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making bubblewrap underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!   
  
JAX: No, no -- i-it's nothing!   
  
KALLIE: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. [clap clap]   
  
PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?   
  
JAX: They're doctors?!   
  
KALLIE: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.   
  
JAX: B-but--   
  
KALLIE: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art.   
  
PIGLET: Try to relax.   
  
JAX: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?   
  
PIGLET: We must examine you.   
  
JAX: There's nothing wrong with that!   
  
PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.   
  
JAX: Get off the pooltable! I am sworn to chastity!   
  
PIGLET: Back to your pooltable!   
  
JAX: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Bicket!   
  
PIGLET: There's no bicket here.   
  
JAX: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--   
  
SLUTS: Hello.   
  
JAX: Oh--   
  
VARIOUS SLUTS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.   
  
JAX: Kallie!   
  
Kikki: No, I am Kallie's identical twin sister, Kikki.   
  
JAX: Oh, well, excuse me, I--   
  
KIKKI: Where are you going?   
  
JAX: I seek the Bicket! I have seen it, here in this castle!   
  
KIKKI: Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Kallie!   
  
JAX: What is it?   
  
KIKKI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Kallie! ... She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is bicket-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.   
  
JAX: It's not the real Bicket?   
  
KIKKI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Kallie! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Shusha, we have but one punishment for setting alight the bicket-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!   
  
SLUTS: A spanking! A spanking!   
  
KIKKI: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.   
  
VARIOUS SLUTS: And spank me. And me. And me.   
  
KIKKI: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!   
  
SLUTS: A spanking! A spanking!   
  
KIKKI: And after the spanking, the mehing.   
  
SLUTS: Mehing! Mehing!   
  
JAX: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.   
  
VINCE: Sir Jax!   
  
JAX: Oh, hello.   
  
VINCE: Quick!   
  
JAX: What?   
  
VINCE: Quick!   
  
JAX: Why?   
  
VINCE: You're in great peril!   
  
KALLIE: No he isn't   
  
VINCE: Silence, foul temptress!   
  
JAX: Now look, it's not important.   
  
VINCE: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!   
  
JAX: Look, I'm fine!   
  
VINCE: Come on!   
  
JAX: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!   
  
KIKKI: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!   
  
SLUTS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!   
  
VINCE: No, Sir Jax, come on!   
  
JAX: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!   
  
KIKKI: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.   
  
SLUTS: Yes, yes!   
  
JAX: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!   
  
KIKKI: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.   
  
SLUTS: Yes, yes.   
  
[boom]   
  
KIKKI: Oh, shit.  
  
[outside]   
  
VINCE: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.   
  
JAX: I don't think I was.   
  
VINCE: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.   
  
JAX: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.   
  
VINCE: No, it's too perilous.   
  
JAX: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can   
  
VINCE: No, we've got to find the Holy Bicket. Come on!   
  
JAX: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?   
  
VINCE: No, it's unhealthy.   
  
JAX: Bet you're gay!   
  
VINCE: No, I'm not.   
  
CHANCE: Sir Vince had saved Sir Jax from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Bicket. Meanwhile, King Christopher and Sir Rick, not more than a toucan's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen toucan's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden toucan's flights away -- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--   
  
MUNS: Get on with it!   
  
CHANCE: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Christopher discovers a vital clue, in which there aren't any toucans, although I think you can hear a starling -oolp!   
  
Scene 12  
  
KAIN: Ah, hee he he ha!   
  
RAZOR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Bicket?   
  
KAIN: Ha ha he he he he!   
  
RAZOR: Where does he live? Old kat, where does he live?   
  
KAIN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no kat has entered.   
  
RAZOR: And the Bicket... The Bicket is there?   
  
KAIN: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no kat has ever crossed.   
  
RAZOR: But the Bicket! Where is the Bicket!?   
  
KAIN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.   
  
RAZOR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Bicket?   
  
KAIN: Hee hee ha ha!   
  
[KAIN disappears] 


	6. Scenes 13-15

Scene 13  
  
[clop clop clop clop]   
  
[eerie music]   
  
BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!   
  
RAZOR: Who are you?   
  
BLADEA: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!   
  
RAZOR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!   
  
BLADEA: The same!   
  
RICK: Who are they?   
  
BLADEA: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom!   
  
RANDOM: Nuu-wom!   
  
RAZOR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!   
  
BLADEA: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!   
  
RAZOR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.   
  
BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!   
  
RAZOR and PARTY: Oh, ow!   
  
BLADEA: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.   
  
RAZOR: Well, what is it you want?   
  
BLADEA: We want... a shrubbery!   
  
[dramatic chord]   
  
RAZOR: A what?   
  
BLADEA: Ni! Ni!   
  
RAZOR and PARTY: Oh, ow!   
  
RAZOR: Please, please! No more! We will find a shrubbery.   
  
BLADEA: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!   
  
RAZOR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.   
  
BLADEA: One that looks nice.   
  
RAZOR: Of course.   
  
BLADEA: And not too expensive.   
  
RAZOR: Yes.   
  
BLADEA: Now... go!   
  
Scene 14  
  
CHANCE: The Tale of Sir Vince.   
  
VIPER: One day, lad, all thisss will be yoursss!   
  
DASH: What, the curtains?   
  
VIPER: No, not the curtainsss, lad. All that you can sssee! Ssstretched out over the hillssss and valleysss of thisss land! Thisss'll be your kingdom, lad!   
  
DASH: But, Mother--   
  
VIPER: Father, lad, Father.   
  
DASH: But Father, I don't want any of that.   
  
VIPER: Lisssten, lad. I've built thisss kingdom up from nothing. When I ssstarted here, all there wasss wasss ssswamp. The king sssaid I wasss daft to build a cassstle in a ssswamp, but I built it all the sssame, jussst to ssshow 'em. It sssank into the ssswamp. Ssso, I built a sssecond one. That sssank into the ssswamp. Ssso I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sssank into the ssswamp. But the fourth one ssstayed up. An' that'sss what you're gonna get, lad -- the ssstrongessst cassstle in thessse islandsss.   
  
DASH: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--   
  
VIPER: Rather what?!   
  
DASH: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!   
  
VIPER: Ssstop that, ssstop that! You're not going to do a sssong while I'm here. Now lisssten lad, in twenty minutesss you're getting married to a girl whossse father ownsss the biggessst tractsss of open land in Britain.   
  
DASH: But I don't want land.   
  
VIPER: Listen, Aliccce...   
  
DASH: Dash.   
  
VIPER: Dasssh. .... We live in a bloody ssswamp. We need all the land we can get.   
  
DASH: But I don't like her.   
  
VIPER: Don't like her?! What'sss wrong with her? Ssshe'sss beautiful, ssshe'sss rich, ssshe'sss got huge... tractsss of land.   
  
DASH: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something...   
  
VIPER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princessss Loogie, ssso you'd better get usssed to the idea. [smack] Guardsss! Make sure the Princcce doesssn't leave thisss room until I come and get 'im.   
  
SHIRO: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.   
  
DROZ: Hic!   
  
VIPER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.   
  
SHIRO: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.   
  
VIPER: No, no, no. You ssstay in the room and make sssure he doesssn't leave.   
  
SHIRO: And you'll come and get him.   
  
DROZ: Hic!   
  
VIPER: Right.   
  
SHIRO: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.   
  
VIPER: No, no. Leaving the room.   
  
SHIRO: Leaving the room, yes.   
  
VIPER: All right?   
  
SHIRO: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...   
  
VIPER: Yesss, what isss it?   
  
SHIRO: Oh, if-if, oh--   
  
VIPER: Look, it'sss quite sssimple.   
  
SHIRO: Uh...   
  
VIPER: You jussst ssstay here, and make sssure 'e doesssn't leave the room. All right?   
  
DROZ: Hic!   
  
VIPER: Right.   
  
SHIRO: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?   
  
VIPER: N- No no no. You jussst keep him in here, and make sssure--   
  
SHIRO: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--   
VIPER: No, no, jussst keep him in here--   
  
SHIRO: Until you, or anyone else,--   
  
VIPER: No, not anyone elssse, jussst me--   
  
SHIRO: Just you.   
  
DROZ: Hic!   
  
VIPER: Get back.   
  
SHIRO: Get back.   
  
VIPER: Right?   
  
SHIRO: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.   
  
VIPER: And, uh, make sssure he doesssn't leave.   
  
SHIRO: What?   
  
VIPER: Make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.   
  
SHIRO: The Prince?   
  
VIPER: Yesss, make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.   
  
SHIRO: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.   
  
VIPER: Isss that clear?   
  
DROZ: Hic!   
  
SHIRO: Oh, quite clear, no problems.   
  
VIPER: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going?   
  
SHIRO: We're coming with you.   
  
VIPER: No no, I want you to ssstay 'ere and make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.   
  
SHIRO: Oh, I see. Right.   
  
DASH: But, Father!   
  
VIPER: Ssshut your noissse, you! And get that sssuit on! [music] And no sssinging!   
  
DROZ: Hic!   
  
VIPER: Oh, go get a glasssss of water.   
  
Scene 15  
  
VINCE: Well taken, Ewon!   
  
EWON: Thank you, sir! Most kind.   
  
VINCE: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Ewon!  
  
[thwonk]   
  
EWON: Message for you, sir.  
  
[fwump]   
  
VINCE: Ewon! Ewon, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Bicket! ...Brave, brave Ewon! You shall not have died in vain!   
  
EWON: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.   
  
VINCE: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!   
  
EWON: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.   
  
VINCE: Oh, I see.   
  
EWON: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--   
  
VINCE: No, no, sweet Ewon! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)   
  
EWON: Idiom, sir?   
  
VINCE: Idiom!   
  
EWON: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.   
  
VINCE: Farewell, never-dying Ewon!   
  
EWON: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. 


	7. Scenes 16-18

Scene 16  
  
[Vince charges the castle]   
  
VINCE: Ha-ha! etc.   
  
[Carnage and mayhem]   
  
SHIRO: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!   
  
VINCE: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Vince of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.   
  
DASH: You got my note!   
  
VINCE: Uh, well, I got A note.   
  
DASH: You've come to rescue me!   
  
VINCE: Uh, well, no, you see--   
  
DASH: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... [music] ...someone...   
  
VIPER: Ssstop that, ssstop that, ssstop it! Ssstop it! Who are you?   
  
DASH: I'm your son!   
  
VIPER: No, not you.   
  
VINCE: I'm Sir Vince, sir.   
  
DASH: He's come to rescue me, father.   
  
VINCE: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.   
  
VIPER: Did you kill all the guardsss?   
  
VINCE: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.   
  
VIPER: They cossst fifty poundsss each.   
  
VINCE: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.   
  
DASH: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Vince, I've got a rope all ready!   
  
VIPER: You killed eight wedding guestsss in all!   
  
VINCE: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.   
  
VIPER: I can underssstand that.   
  
DASH: Hurry, Sir Vince! Hurry!   
  
VIPER: Ssshut up! You only killed the bride'sss father, that'sss all!   
  
VINCE: Well, I really didn't mean to...   
  
VIPER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sssword right through hisss head!   
  
VINCE: Oh, dear. Is he all right?   
  
VIPER: You even kicked the bride in the chessst! Thisss isss going to cossst me a fortune!   
  
VINCE: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--   
  
VIPER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?   
  
DASH: Hurry, Sir Vince!   
  
VINCE: Uh, I am a Knight of King Christopher, sir.   
  
VIPER: Pretty niccce cassstle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good rabid cow country....   
  
VINCE: Is it?   
  
DASH: Hurry, I'm ready!   
  
VIPER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?   
  
VINCE: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.   
  
DASH: I am ready!   
  
[start to leave]   
  
VINCE: --I mean to be, so understanding. [Viper unties rope] [thonk]   
  
DASH: Oooh! [splat]   
  
VINCE: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.   
  
VIPER: Oh, don't worry about that.   
  
DASH: Oooh! [splat]   
  
Scene 17  
  
[wailing]   
  
VIPER: Well, thisss isss the main hall. We're going to have all thisss knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.  
  
RANDOM: There he is!   
  
VIPER: Oh, bloody hell.   
  
VINCE: Ha-ha! etc.   
  
[more carnage and mayhem]   
  
VIPER: Hold it, hold it! Pleassse!   
  
VINCE: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.   
  
RANDOM: He's killed the best man!   
  
[yelling]   
  
VIPER: Hold it, pleassse! Hold it! Thisss isss Sssir Vinccce from the court of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my ssspecial guessst here today.   
  
VINCE: Hello.   
  
RANDOM: He killed my auntie!   
  
[yelling]   
  
VIPER: Pleassse, pleassse! This is sssupposed to be a happy occasssion! ... Let'sss not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witnesssss the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my ssson Dasssh, hasss just fallen to hisss death. But I don't want to think I've lost a ssson, so much asss... gained a daughter! For, sssince the tragic death of her father--   
  
RANDOM: He's not quite dead!   
  
VIPER: Sssince the near fatal wounding of her father--   
  
RANDOM: He's getting better!   
  
VIPER: For, sssince her own father... who, when he ssseemed about to recover, sssuddenly felt the icccy hand of death upon him,--   
  
[guards kill her father]  
  
[ugh]   
  
RANDOM: Oh, he's died!   
  
VIPER: And I want hisss only daughter to look upon me... asss her own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sssenssse. [clapping] And I feel sssure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princessss and the brave, but dangerousss, Sssir Vinccce of Camelot--   
  
VINCE: What?   
  
RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!   
  
EWON: He's not quite dead!   
  
DASH: Oh, I feel much better.   
  
VIPER: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!   
  
DASH: No, I was saved at the last minute.   
  
VIPER: How?!   
  
DASH: Well, I'll tell you... [music]   
  
VIPER: Not like that! Not like that! No, ssstop it!   
  
CROWD: [singing] ~He's going to tell! He's going to tell!~  
  
VIPER: Ssshut up!   
  
CROWD: [singing] ~He's going to tell! He's going to tell!  
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!  
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!  
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!~  
  
EWON: Quickly, sir! Come this way!!!   
  
VINCE: No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more..........[sigh]   
  
EWON: Dramatically sir?   
  
VINCE: Dramatically!!!! [crash] [Vince hovers on chandelier] Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?   
  
Scene 18  
  
[clop clop]   
  
RAZOR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery!   
  
[dramatic chord]   
  
CRONE: Who sent you?   
  
RAZOR: The Knights Who Say Ni.   
  
CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.   
  
RAZOR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... `Ni!'.   
  
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!   
  
RAZOR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... Ni!   
  
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubs!   
  
RAZOR: Ni!   
  
RICK: Noo! Noo!   
  
RAZOR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'ni!'.   
  
RICK: Noo!   
  
RAZOR: No, no -- 'ni!'. You're not doing it properly.   
  
RICK: Noo! Ni!   
  
RAZOR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.   
  
RAZOR and RICK: Ni! Ni!   
  
JAKE: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?   
  
RAZOR: Um, yes.   
  
JAKE: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `ni' at will to old ladies. ... There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.   
  
RAZOR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?   
  
JAKE: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name is Jake the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.   
  
RICK: Ni!   
  
RAZOR: No! No, no, no! No! 


	8. Scenes 19-21

Scene 19  
  
RAZOR: Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?   
  
BLADEA: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.   
  
RAZOR: What is that?   
  
BLADEA: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.   
  
RANDOM: Ni!   
  
BLADEA: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-ni.   
  
RANDOM: Ni!   
  
BLADEA: Therefore, we must give you a test.   
  
RAZOR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni?   
  
BLADEA: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!   
  
[dramatic chord]   
  
RAZOR: Not another shrubbery!   
  
BLADEA: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.   
  
RANDOM: A path! A path! Ni!   
  
BLADEA: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!   
  
[dramatic chord]   
  
RAZOR: We shall do no such thing!   
  
BLADEA: Oh, please!   
  
RAZOR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.   
  
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!   
  
BLADEA: Don't say that word.   
  
RAZOR: What word?   
  
BLADEA: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.   
  
RAZOR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?   
  
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!   
  
RAZOR: What, `is'?   
  
BLADEA: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'.   
  
RICK: My liege, it's Sir Speedy!   
  
FELINA (singing): ~Packing it in and packing it up   
And sneaking away and buggering off  
And chickening out and pissing about   
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge~  
  
RAZOR: Oh, Speedy!   
  
SPEEDY: My liege! It's good to see you!   
  
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!   
  
BLADEA: He said the word!   
  
RAZOR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Bicket?   
  
FELINA (singing): ~He is sneaking away and buggering off-~  
  
SPEEDY: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.   
  
BLADEA: He said the word again!   
  
SPEEDY: I was looking for it.   
  
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!   
  
SPEEDY: Uh, here, here in this forest.   
  
RAZOR: No, it is far from--   
  
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!   
  
BLADEA: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!   
  
RAZOR: Oh, stop it!   
  
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!   
  
BLADEA: Oh! He said it again!   
  
RAZOR: Patsy!   
  
BLADEA: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!   
  
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!   
  
Narrative Interlude:  
  
CHANCE: And so Christopher and Rick and Sir Speedy set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old kat had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Vince and Jax, and there was much rejoicing.   
  
ALL: Yay! Yay!   
  
CHANCE: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Speedy's minstrel. And there was much rejoicing.   
  
ALL: Yay!   
  
CHANCE: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day...   
  
Scene 20   
  
RAZOR: Knights! Forward!  
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]  
[various pyrotechnics]  
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?   
  
ALUCARD: I... am an enchanter.   
  
RAZOR: By what name are you known?   
  
ALUCARD: There are some who call me... Al?   
  
RAZOR: Greetings, Al the Enchanter.   
  
ALUCARD: Greetings, King Christopher!   
  
RAZOR: You know my name?   
  
ALUCARD: I do. [whoosh] You seek the Holy Bicket!   
  
RAZOR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Al.   
  
ALUCARD: Quite.   
  
[pweeng boom]   
  
[applause]   
  
RAZOR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Holy Bicket. Our quest is to find the Holy Bicket.   
  
KNIGHTS: Yeah, It is, yes, yup, yup, yeah hmm.   
  
RAZOR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.   
  
KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.   
  
RICK: We have been for some time.   
  
SPEEDY: Ages.   
  
RAZOR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful...   
  
JAX: Look, can you tell us wh-- [boom]   
  
RAZOR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--   
  
ALUCARD: A what...?   
  
RAZOR: A b--, a b--   
  
ALUCARD: A Bicket?!   
  
RAZOR: Yes, I think so.   
  
KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.   
  
ALUCARD: Yes!   
  
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.  
[boom pweeng boom boom]   
  
RAZOR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--   
  
ALUCARD: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Bicket.   
  
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.   
  
ALUCARD: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Caerbannorg -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Rheged [boom] make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Bicket.   
  
RAZOR: Where could we find this cave, O Al?   
  
ALUCARD: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.   
  
RAZOR: What an eccentric performance.   
  
Scene 21  
  
[clop clop whinny]   
  
JAX: They're nervous sire   
  
RAZOR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!   
  
ALUCARD: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!   
  
RAZOR: Right! Keep me covered.   
  
JAX: What with?   
  
RAZOR: Just keep me covered.   
  
ALUCARD: Too late!   
  
[chord]   
  
RAZOR: What?   
  
ALUCARD: There he is!   
  
ARTHUR: Where?   
  
ALUCARD: There!   
  
RAZOR: What, behind the cat?   
  
ALUCARD: It is the cat!   
  
RAZOR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!   
  
ALUCARD: Well, that's no ordinary cat. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered feline you ever set eyes on.   
  
SPEEDY: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!   
  
ALUCARD: Look, that cat's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!   
  
JAX: Get stuffed!!!   
  
ALUCARD: It'll do you up a treat, mate!   
  
JAX: Oh yeah??   
  
SPEEDY: You mangy Scot's git!   
  
ALUCARD: I'm warning you!   
  
SPEEDY: What's he do, nibble your bum?   
  
ALUCARD: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!   
  
RAZOR: Go on, Tristam. Chop his head off!   
  
TRISTAM: Right! Silly little bleeder. One kitty stew comin' right up!   
  
ALUCARD: Look!   
  
[squeak]   
  
TRISTAM: Aaaugh!   
  
[chord]   
  
RAZOR: Jesus Christ!   
  
ALUCARD: I warned you!   
  
SPEEDY: I done it again!   
  
ALUCARD: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little kitty, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always--   
  
RAZOR: Oh, shut up!   
  
ALUCARD: --But do they listen to me?--   
  
RAZOR: Right!   
  
ALUCARD: -Oh, no--   
  
KNIGHTS: Charge!   
  
[squeak squeak]   
  
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.   
  
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!   
  
ALUCARD: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.   
  
RAZOR: Right. How many did we lose?   
  
VINCE: Gawain...   
  
JAX: Ector   
  
RAZOR: And Tristam . That's five.   
  
JAX: Three, sir.   
  
RAZOR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that cat's dynamite.   
  
SPEEDY: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?   
  
RAZOR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.   
  
JAX: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.   
  
RAZOR: Like what?   
  
JAX: Well,....   
  
VINCE: Have we got bows?   
  
RAZOR: No   
  
VINCE: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.   
  
RAZOR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Sister Wildfire carries with her! Sister Wildfire! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! [singing] How does it, uh... how does it work   
  
VINCE: I know not my liege.   
  
RAZOR: Consult the book of armaments.   
  
WILDFIRE: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.   
  
BASTET: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"   
  
WILDFIRE: Skip a bit, Sister.   
  
BASTET: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."   
  
WILDFIRE: Amen.   
  
ALL: Amen.   
  
RAZOR: Right! One... two... five!   
  
JAX: Three sir.   
  
RAZOR: Three!   
  
[boom] 


	9. Scenes 22-24

Scene 22   
  
RAZOR: There!! Look!!   
  
VINCE: What does it say?   
  
JAX: What language is that?   
  
RAZOR: Sister Wildfire, you're our scholar!   
  
WILDFIRE: It's Vintain!   
  
JAX: Of course! Ahohe of Vinta!   
  
VINCE: Course!   
  
RAZOR: What does it say?   
  
WILDFIRE: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Ahohe of Vinta. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Bicket in the Castle of uuggggggh'.   
  
RAZOR: What?   
  
WILDFIRE: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.   
  
RICK: What is that?   
  
WILDFIRE: He must have died while carving it.   
  
VINCE: Oh, come on!   
  
WILDFIRE: Well, that's what it says.   
  
RAZOR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!   
  
WILDFIRE: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!   
  
JAX: Perhaps he was dictating.   
  
RAZOR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?   
  
WILDFIRE: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.   
  
VINCE: Aauuggghhh.   
  
RAZOR: Aaauuuuuugggghhhhhh   
  
RICK: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?   
  
JAX: Where's that?   
  
RICK: Germany, I think.   
  
VINCE: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?   
  
RAZOR: No, that's Saint Ives.   
  
VINCE: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.   
  
SEVERAL: Iiiiives.   
  
RICK: Oooohoohohooo!   
  
VINCE: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.   
  
RICK: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.   
  
VINCE: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!   
  
RICK: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!   
  
RAZOR: Ooooh!!   
  
JAX: My Hod!!   
  
[roar]   
  
WILDFIRE: It's the legendary Tyrano Kat of aaauuugh!   
  
[Sister Wildfire gets eaten]   
  
RAZOR: Run away!   
  
ALL: Run away! Run away!   
  
[roar]   
  
CHANCE: As the horrendous Tyrano Kat lunged forward, escape for Christopher and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, Bladea and her Knights who until recently said Ni broke out of the computer realm! Brimstone, being the first thing they saw, suffered a fatal run-by shaving. [GAH!]   
  
BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! [run off]  
  
CHANCE: The cartoon peril was no more. The Quest for the Holy Bicket could continue.   
  
Scene 23   
  
RAZOR: There it is! The Bridge of Death!   
  
SPEEDY: Oh, great.   
  
RAZOR: Look!! There's the old kat from Scene 24!   
  
RICK: What is he doing here?   
  
RAZOR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--   
  
JAX: Three questions   
  
RAZOR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--   
  
JAX: Three Questions   
  
RAZOR: Three questions may cross in safety.   
  
SPEEDY: What if you get a question wrong?   
  
RAZOR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.   
  
SPEEDY: Oh, I won't go.   
  
JAX: Who's going to answer the questions?   
  
RAZOR: Sir Speedy!   
  
SPEEDY: Yes?   
  
RAZOR: Brave Sir Speedy, you go.   
  
SPEEDY: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Vince go?   
  
VINCE: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east--   
  
RAZOR: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five questions--   
  
JAX: Three questions   
  
RAZOR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.   
  
VINCE: I understand, my liege.   
  
RAZOR: Good luck, brave Sir Vince. Hod be with you.   
  
KAIN: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.   
  
VINCE: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.   
  
KAIN: What is your name?   
  
VINCE: My name is Sir Vince of Camelot.   
  
KAIN: What is your quest?   
  
VINCE: To seek the Holy Bicket.   
  
KAIN: What is your favorite color?   
  
VINCE: Blue.   
  
KAIN: Right. Off you go.   
  
VINCE: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.   
  
SPEEDY: That's easy!   
  
KAIN: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.   
  
SPEEDY: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.   
  
KAIN: What is your name?   
  
SPEEDY: Sir Speedy of Camelot.   
  
KAIN: What is your quest?   
  
SPEEDY: To seek the Holy Bicket.   
  
KAIN: What is the capital of Assyria?   
  
SPEEDY: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!   
  
KAIN: Stop! What is your name?   
  
JAX: Sir Jax of Camelot.   
  
KAIN: What is your quest?   
  
JAX: I seek the Bicket.   
  
KAIN: What is your favorite color?   
  
JAX: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh!   
  
KAIN: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?   
  
RAZOR: It is Christopher, King of the Britons.   
  
KAIN: What is your quest?   
  
RAZOR: To seek the Holy Bicket.   
  
KAIN: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen toucan?   
  
RAZOR: What do you mean? An African or European toucan?   
  
KAIN: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!   
  
RICK: How do you know so much about toucans?   
  
RAZOR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.   
  
Scene 24   
  
RAZOR: Vince! Vince! Vince!   
  
RICK: Vince! Vince!   
  
RAZOR: Vince! Vince!   
  
RICK: Vince! Vince!   
  
[angels singing]   
  
RAZOR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! Hod be praised! Almighty Hod, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- [twong baaaa] Jesus Christ!   
  
RIKKI: 'ello, speddy English kniggets and Herr Christopher-King, who has the brain of a palm tree, you know! So, we German fellows out-wit you a second time!   
  
RAZOR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Hod himself has guided us!   
  
RIKKI: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a pooltable-maker! So, you think you could out-clever us German folk with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, ... you cheesy lot of second hand electric beagle bottom biters.   
  
RAZOR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!   
  
RIKKI: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!   
  
RAZOR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of Hod and the glory of our-- [splat] Right! That settles it!   
  
RIKKI: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!   
  
RAZOR: Walk away. Just ignore them.   
  
RIKKI: And now remain gone illegitimate faced buggerfolk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Speddy English kniggets! Thpppt!   
  
RAZOR: We shall attack at once!   
  
RICK: Yes, my liege!   
  
RAZOR: Stand by for attack!  
  
[troops gather from out of nowhere]   
  
RAZOR: German persons! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of Hod we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Bicket returns to those whom Hod has chosen. Charge!!!!   
  
TROOPS: Charge!!!!!!!!!  
  
[police arrive]   
  
DR. SINIAN: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.   
  
COM. FERAL: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.   
  
OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back.   
  
DR. SINIAN: Get that one.   
  
OFFICER #1: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.   
  
COM. FERAL: Put this kat in the van.   
  
OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on.   
  
RICK: With whom?   
  
COM. FERAL: Which one?   
  
OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one.   
  
COM. FERAL: Come on. Put him in the van.   
  
OFFICER #2: Get a blanket.   
  
OFFICER #1: We have no hospital.   
  
RANDOM: Ahh.  
  
[squeak]   
  
RANDOM: Ooh.   
  
OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!   
  
OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along!   
  
OFFICER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.   
  
OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.   
  
COM. FERAL: Everything?  
  
[squeak]   
  
OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.  
  
[crash]   
  
CAMERAMAN: Christ! 


End file.
